Monday, December 1, 2014

Writing Class Version 2

I attended another class, with the below version of my essay (in italics). Again, at the bottom I'll share comments from the class.

It was the last week of high school, called senior week. Simply put, it gave you the freedom to come and go around your final exam schedule.

On one momentous day, the world sort of shifted a bit for me, but of course I still claim total innocence! It started with my staying overnight, at my mother’s house on a Sunday. I didn’t have a car yet, so in the morning I asked her if I could drive her to work and then go on to Sudbury, about a 20 minute drive. “That would be ok”, she said. There was, I think, sort of an assumption on her part that I would be leaving the car at the farm and taking the bus to school. I didn’t do that of course and instead drove to school and parked in the lot, knowing full well about the rule of NO student cars allowed. I just figured, what would they do? After all, I’m a senior.

After taking my tests, I drove a friend home and headed for the farm. While maneuvering a slight left bend in the road, which dipped over a small stream, a car coming in the opposite direction took the turn too wide and, almost as if in slow motion, scrapped down the entire length of the car. It was still drivable, so after exchanging the necessary paperwork; I soon headed for my mother’s house. With my tail between my legs, I arrived, to her rushing from the house in a rage, with nostrils flaring like a lioness protecting her young. I stood there wondering what could possibly be so wrong, she certainly hadn’t seen the other side of the car.

It seems that the school, had done something about that rule. They had found the car in the parking lot without a school sticker, but it did have a “federal” parking sticker for the hospital where my mother worked. The school called the state police and reported a stolen car. The police, in turn, notified some federal agency of the stolen car with a federal sticker. Eventually this chain ended up with my mother. I now understood why she was so upset.

She went on and on about the embarrassment of being called by both the state police and her supervisor. She also gave me the added bonus that I had been suspended from school. At a point when the tension seemed to be easing, she simply said, “it just can’t get any worse, can it?” Remembering the car, I sheepishly told her that it really can and suggested she go outside and look on the opposite side.

Class Discussions
There was some discussion on my staying overnight with my mother. You see for most people this is a normal occurrence and would not have even been said, however for me it was not. This caused some confusion that sort of dictated an explanation. It was decided doing this would be taking the reader out of the story and I should simply remove it.

Another item came up concerning my driving a friend home. It was suggested for easier understandability, that I should indicate that because of driving the friend home that I had been taken off my normal path.

This following with nostrils flaring like a lioness protecting her young certainly brought up some discussion. First, no one felt that a nostril, flaring or not, would be a danger to anyone. Big teeth maybe, but not a nostril. Also the statement continued to talk about protecting her young. In this sentence, I was actually trying to show a mother's great anger at her son and not of her protecting her young. Guess, I'll be changing that.

In the statement I now understood why she was so upset it was generally accepted that, of course she'd have been mad. Do I need to state this. Again, I'll need to work on this.

That's it for now. Or at least until the next class.

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