Sunday, November 30, 2014

Writing Class Version 1

I present here version 1 of my essay (in italic print), at least that’s what I’ll call it here. At the bottom of this I’ll post the comments or changes that the class felt that should be made.

It was the last week of high school, called senior week. Simply put, it gave you the freedom to come and go around your final exam schedule. Very different from the normal schedule, arriving at school at 7:30 in the morning and not leaving until 3:40, period.

On one momentous day the world sort of shifted a bit for me, but of course I still claim total innocence! It started with my staying overnight, at my mother’s house on a Sunday. I didn’t have a car yet, so in the morning I asked her if I could drive her to work and then go on to Sudbury, about a 20 minute drive. “That would be ok”, she said. There was I think, sort of, an assumption on her part that I would be leaving the car at the farm and taking the bus to school. Mr. Big didn’t do that of course and instead drove to school and parked in the lot, knowing there was a rule about cars at school, there are NO student cars allowed. I just figured, what would they do? After all, I’m a senior.

After taking my tests, I drove a friend home and headed for the farm. While maneuvering a slight left bend in the road, which dipped over a small stream, a car coming in the opposite direction crashed and scrapped down the entire length of her car. Immediately, I knew I was in big trouble. Her car was still drivable, so after exchanging the necessary paperwork; I headed for my mother’s house. With my tail between my legs, I arrived, to her rushing from the house in a rage. I wondered what could be wrong, she certainly couldn’t see the other side of the car.

It seems that the school, after all, had done something about that NO driving to school rule. They had found the car in the parking lot without a school sticker, but it did have a “federal” parking sticker for the hospital where my mother worked. The school called the state police and reported a stolen car. The police, in turn, notified some federal agency of the stolen car with a federal sticker. Eventually this notification chain ended up at my mother. I now understood what she was so upset about.

She went on and on about the embarrassment of being called by both the state police and her supervisor. She also gave me the added bonus that the school had suspended me for a bit. At some point here, she made the comment, “that it just can’t get any worse than this.” I sheepishly told her that it really can and suggested she go outside and look at the other side of her car! In one day, I managed to have an accident, where I wasn’t supposed to be, get suspended from school and get my mother’s car reported stolen!

She was not pleased.

Class Discussion
Most of the comments were about the last paragraph, which had to do with not stating directly the conclusion. She was not pleased, for example. It is very obvious that she would not be pleased, the reader does not need to be hit on the head by being told this. Another point was that my mother should say that statement about not getting any worse. So these are the changes:

She went on and on about the embarrassment of being called by both the state police and her supervisor. She also gave me the added bonus that the school had suspended me for a bit.
The following needs to be changed so that she says it directly.
At some point here, she made the comment, “that it just can’t get any worse than this.”
I sheepishly told her that it really can and suggested she go outside and look at the other side of her car!

The following needs to be removed.
In one day, I managed to have an accident, where I wasn’t supposed to be, get suspended from school and get my mother’s car reported stolen!

She was not pleased.

Soon to come, version 2.

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