It was the last week of high school, called senior week. Simply put, it gave you the freedom to come and go around your final exam schedule.
On one momentous day, the world sort of shifted a bit for me, but of course I still claim total innocence! It started on a nice Monday morning in June, after breakfast. I didn’t have a car yet and asked my mother if I could drive her to work and then go on to Sudbury where I attended school, about a 20 minute drive. “That would be ok”, she said. I think that there was, an assumption on her part that I would be leaving the car at the farm and taking the bus to school. I didn’t do that of course and instead drove to school and parked in the lot, knowing full well about the rule of NO student cars allowed. I just figured, what would they do? After all, I’m a senior.
After taking my tests, I drove a friend home, which took me off my normal route to the farm. While maneuvering a slight left bend in the road, which dipped over a small stream, a car coming in the opposite direction had taken the turn too wide and, almost as if in slow motion, scrapped down the entire length of the car. It was still drivable, so after exchanging the necessary paperwork; I soon headed for my mother’s house. With my tail between my legs, I arrived, to her rushing from the house in an absolute rage. I stood there wondering what could possibly be so wrong, she certainly hadn’t seen the other side of the car yet.
It seems that the school had, in fact, done something about that rule. They had found the car in the parking lot without a school sticker, but it did have a “federal” parking sticker for the hospital where my mother worked. The school called the state police and reported a stolen car. The police, in turn, notified some federal agency of the stolen car with a federal sticker. Eventually this chain had ended up with my mother.
She went on and on about the embarrassment of being called by both the state police and her supervisor. She also gave me the added bonus that I had been suspended from school. At a point when the tension seemed to be easing, she simply said, “it just can’t get any worse, can it?” Remembering the car, I sheepishly told her that it really can and suggested she go outside and look on the opposite side.
Class Discussion
In the second paragraph, first sentence "On one momentous day, the world sort of shifted a bit for me" the comments centered around the strength of this. It was almost like it was a major world catastrophic event. It certainly was to me, but not world wide. After a lot of discussion it was decided that if I removed the word momentous it would tone it back down to me. Also, this would make it staying in character, because an 18 year old would not use that word.
In the same paragraph, second sentence "I didn’t have a car yet and asked my mother if I could drive her to work and then go on to Sudbury where I attended school, about a 20 minute drive." There was a lot of confusion about this sentence and how to resolve it. You see, I actually lived in two towns and if this is brought up here it would take a lot of explanation. If I hadn't mentioned it, we are being limited to 500 words max. Anyway, the result is that I'll indicate that my destination was to my foster mother's farm in Sudbury. This, it was felt would resolve the issue is as few words as possible.
Same paragraph, next to the last sentence "knowing full well about the rule". The words full well are just not necessary. Just knowing about the rule is enough.
Third Paragraph, third sentence "so after exchanging the necessary paperwork;". In reality there is no actual paperwork that is exchanged. Therefore this should be changed to "information".
Same paragraph, next to the last sentence "With my tail between my legs, I arrived, to her rushing". The statement With my tail between my legs is a cliche and should be removed. Has no place in writing.
Last paragraph, last sentence "Remembering the car, I sheepishly told her that it really can and suggested she go outside and look on the opposite side". The work sheepishly is somewhat of a cliche as well. Maybe change it to something like, "looking at my feet". I need to think on this one.
Then in the same sentence, the word "side" is used twice very close to each other. In "go outside and look on the opposite side" you almost stumble on the work side. I'll remove side from outside so it just says 'go out and look on the opposite side'.
To be continued next week.
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