Writing Class Version 5

Well, here I am again. This was the final class. But, I have signed up for the next one so we'll see how that goes. As before, the version of the story that I took to class is below and itlaized. Below that are the comments from the class.

It was high school senior week, which gave you the freedom to come and go around your final exam schedule. At that time, I normally lived with my foster mother on her farm during the week. But, on this one morning I woke up at my mother’s, some 20 miles away. I asked a simple question that started a sequence of events that would shake up my world a bit. But, of course I still claim total innocence!

I didn’t have a car yet and asked if I could drive her to work and then go on to the farm. “That would be ok”, she said. I believe there was an assumption on her part, that I would be leaving the car at the farm and taking a bus on to school. I didn’t do that of course and instead drove to school and parked in the lot, knowing about the rule of NO student cars allowed. After all I’m a senior, what could they do?

After taking my tests, I drove a friend home, which took me off my normal route to the farm. While maneuvering a slight left bend in the road, which dipped over a small stream, a car coming in the opposite direction had taken the turn too wide. As if in slow motion, it scrapped down the entire length of my car making this metallic screeching sound as it proceeded on its path. Equally slow, I could envision my entire future fading away in front of me. Fortunately, for me, it was still drivable, so after exchanging the necessary information; I headed for my mother’s. Upon arriving I saw her rushing from the house in an absolute rage. I stood there wondering what could possibly be so wrong, she certainly hadn’t seen the other side of the car yet.

Unknown to me, the school had found the car and for some reason reported it as being stolen to the state police. They, in turn, notified some federal agency because it had a parking permit for the Veterans hospital where my mother worked. She was notified, in turn, that they had found her stolen car.

She ranted on and on about the embarrassment of being called by both the state police and her supervisor. She then gave me the added bonus that I had been suspended from school. At a point when the tension seemed to be easing, she simply said, “it just can’t get any worse, can it?” Remembering the car and looking down at me feet, I told her that it really could and suggested she go out and look at the opposite side.

In the first paragraph, third sentence that starts with But, on this one morning I woke up... The consensus was compared to the immaculate conception, I just appeared at another house. I need to explain, briefly, about how I got to and why I was at this new location.

In he same paragraph, fourth sentence that ends with that would shake up my world a bit.. It was felt that the word shake should be replaced with rattle.

The junction between the first and second paragraphs is kind of clunky. Try combining these.

Then throughout verify that the tense is correct on words.