An aging parent

On a recent post I spoke of having to deal with an aging elderly parent and I’ve decided to post an occasional update here so as to share the journey as it occurs. Maybe it’ll be of some help to someone else or maybe someone will be able to offer me some suggestions. Or maybe it’s just an exercise in futility. Who knows?

So, as I have stated on a prior post my mother is aging and is traveling down that path of slowly losing her memory. Oh, it’s not bad enough that she can‘t function and recognize people or events. And, if you had a visit with her you’d most likely not see anything wrong. But, I’ve had the chance to observe her over time and therefore I think that I understand the true situation. Recently a cousin visited her for an afternoon and reported that she was just fine and was just being her normal self. Unfortunately my mother is very good at playing this game or covering up what is really taking place. You see, in a normal conversation there is an exchange of information or ideas between the two people talking. Each injects new thoughts or subjects. My mother has learned, somehow, to avoid adding her side of this exchange or interaction. She’ll pick up on what the other person says and expand on that and carry on the conversation as if she actually knows what she’s talking about and that she has added new stuff. But, in reality she doesn’t remember anything. I’m probably not explaining myself correctly, but I have observed this multiple times. It’s really fascinating how she’s able to do this.

She’s very capable of doing her normal daily routine of things, get up, bath, go for coffee and a walk, etc. But, if you throw anything out of that normal activity, it gets a little hairy. Here’s an example of something that occurred recently. As you know I live about 4 hours away from her and therefore can’t be there in a minutes’ notice to see what is or is not being done. I discovered, prior to Christmas that a play of Dickens, A Christmas Carol was being put on for seniors in her town at a location that she’s very familiar with. All she needed to do was to go and pick up the free tickets. I called her and she indicated that she’d really like to do this and will go and get them later that day with her good friend. I called her the next day to confirm that she had gotten them. She had no memory of it. But, she did say that she’d go and get them that day. I, again, called on the next day and asked if she had gone to get the tickets. She said that no she hadn’t, but will today. Then she asked me, “Tell me again, what these tickets are for”.

That example is what I’m referring to about interjecting something out of the normal routine. If it’s not written down, it isn’t there and sometimes that doesn’t even help. She may not read the note.

And now there are money issues. There have been withdrawals that aren’t remembered and who knows where the money is. There are checks that have been cashed but, no accounting of where that money went.

Unfortunately, I’m an only child and have to do this alone. Yes, my wife is supportive on it, but it is my mother. It’s just tough and I feel very alone and have no real help I mean, how do you tell your mother that she needs to do this and that? How do you transfer her assets in order to protect them? How do you tell her that she needs to move to an assisted living facility? How do you take away her individuality and independence? How do you deal with taxes across state lines? How do you tell her that her house is dirty? How do you tell her that her clothes are dirty? How do you help when she refuses to accept it?

Thanks for listening.