A visit to Mom's

Hi all. I recently went and visited with my mother, in order to get her taxes done. As well as the taxes, this was also a visit in order to check on her to make sure that she’s ok. You see, she’s elderly and lives in her own house alone. I live about 4 hours away from her and if something were to happen, I can’t be there right away, so I try to get there as often as I can.

A major concern of mine is that her memory is beginning to slip and I’m not sure what to do about that. As time goes on, it becomes more and more of an issue. I’ve started a conversation with her on the future, but she’s a very independent person and isn’t very open to too many suggestions or ideas (from me or anyone else).

Another thing that came up during this visit was the general cleanliness of her home as well as her personal hygiene. I am stumped as to what to do about this one. I told myself that before I left I was going to begin a conversation on what are her boundaries on what is ok for me to talk about and what is not. I mean is it ok for me to mention that she’s not doing a good job of cleaning, etc. Well, I had several moments when I could have talked about it, but instead I wimped out and didn’t say anything. As I drove away, I was so mad at myself. Unfortunately there was nobody to yell at or blame except for myself. I have always found it extremely difficult to say boo to my mother. I’m not sure what that’s about, but it is the truth. So this was no exception to that rule.

I’m really confused about this. You see, she is an adult and has feelings and her own belief systems. I know that when I get older, I’m not going to want my son coming into my home and telling me that I’m not taking care of myself or my surroundings. I know if I say something to her, she going to get reactive and most likely be mad at me. This is exactly what happened when I first went with her to visit her Doctor a while ago. I had noticed the memory problem and felt that her Doctor needed to know about it. After that visit she threw her car keys at me and mumbled all the way home. It was a while before she spoke with me. It wasn't a nice time for either of us. Again, I’d most likely react the same if this happened to me.

So, what do I do now? Do I continue to say nothing to her about the cleanliness situation? Or do I, do as my wife is suggesting and confront my mother about it? She suggests that I let my mother know that this is not going to be a comfortable conversation for either of us and then jump right in.

Any ideas?